he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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