no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
