I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
