So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
