There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
