I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
