my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
