it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
