I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
