I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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