hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize