i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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