So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
