Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
