I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize