is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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