Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
