i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
