I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
