you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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