Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
