Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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