Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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