Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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