i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Oh god it's open bar.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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