Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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