im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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