three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
