nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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