i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
