just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
