in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
