i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
