God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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