Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
