Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
