Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
