The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
