I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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