he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
