The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it hurts more in the daytime
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
