what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
