So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
