what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
