UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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