my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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