Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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