Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
