The best revenge is premature balding
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
