His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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