i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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