A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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