I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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