It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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