I could make wine with my vomit
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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