I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize