Just cropdusted the office
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
